


Bodyguard of My Heart

by CaptainLeBubbles



Category: RWBY
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bodyguard, M/M, Parody, Romantic Comedy, Screenplay/Script Format, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:28:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26199352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLeBubbles/pseuds/CaptainLeBubbles
Summary: After a failed assassination attempt, vip James Ironwood is strongarmed into hiring a bodyguard to protect him from future attempts. Unfortunately, the bodyguard he hires is Qrow Branwen, who... hates him and everything he stands for.Can these two set aside their differences for the sake of James' safety and the success of his latest project? Or will they succumb to their poor impressions of each other and leave James vulnerable to attack once more?
Relationships: Past James Ironwood/Arthur Watts, Qrow Branwen/James Ironwood
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Bodyguard of My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I normally concept aus as a bulleted list but this time, for some reason I did it as a gag script. Since I don't have it in me to develop this fic (and I feel it will lose some of the humor if I do) I decided to just post this as-is. Please don't take it seriously; it's extremely silly and riddled with plotholes.

Act I

**Pietro:** An assassin tried to murder you so I hired a bodyguard for you  
 **James:** I don’t need a bodyguard I’ll be fine  
 **Pietro:** :(  
 **James:** Fine

**Ozpin:** James Ironwood hired me to hire a bodyguard for him so I’m hiring you  
 **Qrow:** No fuck that

**Qrow:** Against my better judgment I am your bodyguard but I don’t like you on principle so get used to me being an asshole to you  
 **James:** Well that’s fine because I didn’t want to hire a bodyguard anyway so get used to me being cold and distant with you  
 **Qrow:** I am extremely offended by this >:| Also I don’t like how pretty you are  
 **James:** I also hate how pretty _you_ are so there

Act II

**Tyrian:** Guess whomst!  
 **Watts:** We’re assassins.   
**Watts:** Also I’m James’ ex because Theo really likes that trope

**James:** I am more concerned with the innocent civilians who were endangered by my assassination attempt, thus humanizing me in Qrow’s and the audience's eyes   
**Qrow:** I see now that I have misjudged you but I’m too stubborn to admit this until act three when you nearly get killed trying to save my kids’ life   
**James:** Hey spoilers

**Tyrian:** Guess whomst two, electric boogaloo!

**Qrow:** I am now taking my job very seriously even though I won’t admit that it’s because I’m starting to care about you, so I’m going to take you to my family’s house to hide you   
**James:** This seems ill advised and like it’s putting more innocents in danger, but after that last assassination attempt I have realized that you are very good at your job and that I should trust you

**Ruby and Yang:** We are small cute like toddler sized children and we are very excited to play with this big enormous jungle gym man our uncle brought home   
**James:** -happily playing with tiny children-   
**Qrow:** Oh god oh no oh fuck oh shit oh no

Act III

**Tyrian:** Surprise! We tracked you to your family! No one could have possibly seen this coming!   
**Qrow:** I in no way predicted that hiding out with my family could have put them in danger! Oh no!   
**Tyrian:** Anyone mind if I kill these small cute children while I’m here?   
**James:** I mind!

**Qrow:** Now that you sacrificed yourself to save my kids, I realize that what I previously thought was just sexual tension is in fact love! And that you’re nothing like the media paints you! Also please don’t die Ozpin won’t pay me if you die   
**James:** I’m glad I got the chance to get to know you <3

**Pietro:** Goddammit, I have to make him another arm now >:|   
**Qrow:** what

Denouement

**James:** I survived! Somehow! And I’m in love with my bodyguard! Now I can get back to the work they tried to assassinate me for in the first place   
**Qrow:** Oh yeah what was that all about? We were supposed to be cryptic about how it was going to revolutionize the modern world but the author forgot to include that  
 **James:** Pietro and I are building a robot together and my enemies didn’t like that. Anyway this is Penny

**Penny:** :D

Roll Credits

Stinger

**Roman:** -kicks down the door- Sequel hook!

**Author's Note:**

> Like this? Want to see more? Want to read discussions of writing that I actually take seriously? Head on over to tumblr and hit me up @grifalinas, or @hardheadedbighearted if you're into roleplay and DuckTales and RWBY DuckTales au/crossover roleplay.


End file.
